Losses and How Do We Handle Them?

We all go through losses.  Most people go through more than their share of them.  The sad part is we do not know how to express our feelings when it comes to losses.  We do not even know how to share our losses with others.  We feel as if we have to keep them bottled up so as not to seem distressed or depressed.  At other times we break-down and get angry and upset. 

Losses come in many different ways.  Some of the losses are sudden and life changing.  Other losses affect us for a while but we eventually accept the change that it has made in our life.  Then there are those losses we cannot describe.  We wonder in those times if we have a right to be sad.  We wonder if we should feel the strong emotional connections that we have. 

I am here to tell you that you own your emotions.  Do not be worried about what others think.  If you are sad because of a loss don’t keep it bottled up and hold it inside talk to others.  If you are mad because of a loss take the time to talk to someone.  Most importantly do not believe that you do not have the right to be emotional due to a loss.

If you have read my devotions you will know that I lost my little sister when I was a year old.  She lived four days.  I never got to see her alive.  The only pictures that exist with me and my little sis are at her funeral. 

Many people do not understand how a loss at this young of an age can affect a child.  They believe that little ones do not understand death.  We do not have to worry about them because they will overcome it.  Yet, I am here to tell you I might not have known at 1 years old that I was at my sister’s funeral.  But the time came that I knew that a part of my life wasn’t there with me.

My mom and dad talked about my sister.  Then I found out later there were two embryos and one that didn’t live to be born.  I know this is crazy and most people will never be able to understand it, but my stage name came from that unnamed baby.  See mom already had a name picked out for her first born son Michael Raye.  When my younger brother was born he wasn’t named Michael Raye instead he was named after my dad.  I really think my Mom knew that the lost baby that she was never able to name was her first born son.  So I didn’t just lose one sibling I lost two.  One that lived for 4 days in this beautiful world and one that didn’t make it into the world.

So how did these losses that happened before “I understood” affect me?  My sister’s death changed the whole existence of my life.  I always thought that I had to do things twice as hard.  I always felt like that I had to do the best I could for not only me but also for her.  I have always felt like I had to make my life worth the living. 

There has always been a part of me that felt like what would have happened if it wasn’t Kristie but rather me that had passed.  Would she have been able to do things I never could?  Would she be the beautiful person that I always wanted to be?  Would she have done things that were so much better than what I have accomplished?  Then there is a thought that runs through my head.  If I had died she would be dealing with my loss the same way that I have been dealing with her loss all these years and that wouldn’t be fair to her.

I know as a Christian that I have one fact to be sure of.  When I get to Heaven I will finally be able to play and sing praises to God with my little sis.  She will not be sick like she was here.  I will be able to spend eternity with the one that I have missed my whole life.  Hopefully, she will be proud of her big sis.  I have done my best to be the best person that I could be for both of us.

Yet, this is not the last loss that I have had in my life.  I think about other members of my family that have passed that made me the person who I am.  They taught me about Jesus through their walk of faith.  I miss them tremendously yet I have comfort in knowing that they are with their beloved Savior.  They are not struggling instead they are happy and in a much better place.

In the beginning, I had a hard time with all of their deaths.  Yet, things became different.  For example when my grandfather got sick I realized it was time to come off of the road.  I had been traveling for about ten years at that time.  I wanted to be closer so I quit my job and came back home to Kentucky.  I was able to spend time with him before he was no longer the man that I knew.  Yet, in the end I knew that he went home to God whom he loved and was reunited with all of his loved ones.  In fact, I know that he is having a great time being able to be the grandfather that he couldn’t be to my sister.  She gets a few years of spoiling before I and my other cousins go home.

Cancer is a cruel disease.  I also decided that I had to do something to honor his life.  He would have been proud of me each year as I collect money to pay for research to find cures for childhood cancer.  I know that is something that pays tribute to a man that changed my life.  He was special to me and because of that I feel honored every year to go bald.  It gives me a few seconds to pay tribute and to show the world that even though cancer is cruel we can beat it.  One day I know this dream will come true.

There are other losses that we can’t explain to others.  One of the hardest things to deal with is when a loved one or a friend takes their own life.  We have a whole flood of questions that come into our mind.  How are we supposed to endure the pain of knowing that we couldn’t stop them from ending their life?  How are we supposed to endure knowing that they couldn’t feel like we could help them?  How are we supposed to continue life with them being gone?  Most importantly do they understand what shape they are leaving us behind in?

I want to tell you right now.  If you are dealing with this type of loss there is one thing that you need to know:  YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.  Many times people that are contemplating suicide bottle up those emotions because they think they are alone even when it is far from the truth.  They never wanted to hurt anyone that is the reason that they keep it to themselves.  The thought process is clouded by a hurt that no one can understand.  Many would never had taken that last step if they had known how many people they would leave behind that are mourning their loss.

You have to remember that suicide is an act that one person takes.  It isn’t something that you have caused or didn’t stop from happening.  I have someone very close in my life that lost her sister to suicide.  She has days that she wished it had been her instead of her beloved twin.  It has been twenty years since this happened and she still deals with the feelings of guilt and loss.  I tell her all the time that if her sister knew how much hurt this would have caused her and the rest of the family she would have never had done it.  Yet, the ugly head of pain and loss surfaces every time there is something that she wishes she could call and share with her best friend. 

Yet, these are not the only things that we can lose in life.  There are many like myself that have lost jobs, independence and health.  We go through these things and wonder what we have done so wrong in our life.  We have good paying jobs that we have dedicated our life to but one day it’s gone.  We are able to do things independently and out of the blue we become dependent on others.  We have relatively good health and then one day the ugly head of sickness attacks us and everything changes. 

Sadly, one of these events can actually trigger the others.  I was a pretty healthy person other than being overweight.  Then my life changed in a flash.  I started getting dizzy and losing my balance.   I started throwing up solid foods hours after eating. I started having pain that was out of control.  With all of this I actually lost my independence to get around on my own.  Then top it off I got so sick that I could no longer work. 

I could have easily thrown my arms up and given up.  I had enough reason to.  I started feeling like I was a burden.  Things even got worse when I almost lost my house because of losing my income. 

Yet, it was during this time that I really learned how to deal with losses.  This is where the Christian Prospective comes into play.  Be forewarned this lesson is easy to say and listen to, but hard to live.  There are things that you have to accept that takes things out of your control.  Miraculously this applies to all kinds of losses.  If you follow it you will come to see that you have help all the time if you call on it.

·       God has plans for your life.

·       God is there to help you through the hard times of your life.

·       Miracles will happen in your life if you will let God help you.

·       Life doesn’t end when you lose the things you cherish.

·       You can make a difference in one person’s life, YOUR LIFE.

·       You can still be used by God no matter what you are going through.

·       Your life is important to God and Others.

·       God is Bigger than any problem you will ever go through.

·       God is there if all else fails. 

·       God Never Abandons You.

·       Nothing you do will separate you from the Love of God.

·       God will send the people that you need in your life.

·       Take comfort in knowing that God sent Jesus to take away all your Sins.

·       You can make it as long as you Let God take the Lead.

·       GOD LOVES YOU!

If you can keep these things in your mind as you face losses you will see that you have internal peace.  If you haven’t asked God in your life today is a good day.  God doesn’t care who you are.  God doesn’t care what you have done in your life.  God doesn’t care about what others say.  GOD’S LOVE IS ETERNAL.  Remember these things and you will be able to deal with losses when they happen.